Hi! My name is Aga and I’m a neurotic.
This blog is really mean’t to showcase ‘Me’, and with my ‘About’ page still empty, I feel that I should just go ahead and slowly build it up with these posts. And for the first one, I feel that introducing the umbrella term for my personality would be the best place to start.
Due to so many factors in my psychological history, I consider myself a neurotic.
|neu·ro·sis | n(y)o͝oˈrōsəs/ |noun
A relatively mild mental illness that is not caused by organic disease, involving symptoms of stress but not a radical loss of touch with reality.
But the term ‘neurotic’ has been removed as a psychological classification and there is no DSM criteria for it. So calling it an illness is technically wrong. Personally, neurosis is just a personality quirk where a person can sometimes get lost in their thoughts, over-complicating situations when it is (likely) very simple.
I’ve had this problem for years, and it has defined me and helped develop my unhealthy coping mechanisms and here I am now, 27 years old, but with crippling social anxiety, a superiority complex, and an attention deficit problem I’m struggling to fix.
I guess this all begins with unmet expectations as a kid. Early on, I was an achiever, I went through things, and I came out on top. During Elementary School (primary school), I was a star student, ranking high in quiz-competitions and I brought home so many awards. That high you get as a kid when your friends and family are so proud of you was amazing, and of course the praise was amazing, but in one day I experienced the direct polar opposite of that praise: ‘Shame’.
It was a public speaking competition and it was the last round. I smashed most of the competition and that Friday afternoon, I was going against a good friend of mine. We were both quiz-competitors, but we have never really went against each other, because when I competed for an art competition, she would go for a science quiz-bee, and if I went for math, she would do spelling. But it just so happened that we had to meet there, and I didn’t realize how weird it was to go up against someone as good as me.
I’ve never felt anxiety since my first quiz bee, and I guess this contributed to my performance as I struggled to form a coherent argument to the topic: ‘Why is the Amazon Rainforest Important?’.
But she was amazing, in the minute preparation, she delivered a statement that completely swept mine under the rug, and in just 15 minutes, my self-esteem was broken and I left the school half-crying and blaming myself for not preparing properly.
At least it would be okey, I thought, because at home I’ll just receive some encouragement and do better next time. And to my dismay, what I got was judgement: “Why didn’t you do better?”.
And the feeling of judgement would carry over, as with each succeeding failure would follow with more judgement. And my ability to keep performing better couldn’t keep up my failed attempts. Later in life I would realize the value of failing, but I never learned this growing up.
This wasn’t even just about my academics. When I would do housework, instead of encouraging me to keep it up, my ‘technique’ would be assessed.
“Why do you sweep like that?”
“Why do you wipe like that?”
“Why do you cook rice like that?”
“Why do you iron like that?”
“I taught you better than that!”
So I never bothered doing anything, in fear that it wasn’t good enough, or that it was wrong. My confidence to try was ultimately broken as years went by.
I became insecure in actually trying something, and when I do get the courage to try, I wouldn’t follow through. The old saying: “The first step is always the hardest” was never true for me, I would always be able to try something out, but I could never get past the fear of failure and following through when I experience the first sense of difficulty.
This didn’t help with my relationships as well, as I was always weary of people, never allowing too much of myself be known, and I was always trying to learn more about them instead. When it came to friends, I was manipulative and tended to be more controlling with the people around me. If I wasn’t manipulating them, I was giving up too much of myself, always saying yes just to please people.
I didn’t want to be around people, but when I was they needed to like me and any other emotion towards me was unacceptable. I can’t help but think about what they are thinking about me, so I was careful with my words, and when I slip on a statement, I would feel guilty for days.
Because of how much I value impressions, I have a good memory of every encounter I ever had with most if not all people in my social circles. I always take note of what people say or do if it affected me, and I would carry it for life, good or bad.
And these problems are simply because I couldn’t feel safe doing something without being ridiculed, belittled or insulted.
At my age right now, I tried dealing with my issues, reading self help books from Dale Carnegie to Anthony Robbins. But as long as I’m around my family, I couldn’t fix this. My parents are the trigger for my insecurity.
They would often ask me: “Why are you always in your room”
I just don’t have the heart to tell them that it’s because of them. Whenever I’m with my parents, I get the extremes of praise and insult. When they praise my work, it’s an amazing feeling, but when they would belittle my efforts, they are worse than high-schoolers towards the other kids.
Well that’s the first part of me. A neurotics mess. I’m just happy that I haven’t fallen into deeper psychosis that I am unable to function, because despite my fear of trying, I’m was able to build a career in the university and there are a lot of things I’m proud of my life.
But when it comes to moving forward, to going further, I’m still facing a big wall in my mental health, and that is the purpose of this blog.
If I could just follow through and accomplish one goal that is very significant in my life, I feel that I could do other things as well. With this blog so far, my fasting and eating management I am moving one step at a time, I’m still blogging daily except for Sundays which is alright.
Let’s see where I go from here.
Anyway, my name is Aga and I’m a neurotic.